What is this? Plates. Never ending plates. Sleepless nights, skipping lunches, falling asleep during class. Yeah, that’s the typical life of an Arki student. Why am I even here though? I don’t know. I took this course because I asked my friends for opinions on what I should take, and I ended up here. Architecture was never in my plan. I always saw myself taking up a course related to computers and technology, but no, I started to find it boring. I want something digital that actually collaborates with something I enjoy doing. I wanted to take up Multimedia Arts, but we’re just an average family and our budget can’t handle CSB’s tuition. I’m actually lucky that UST’s under the list of school’s my educational plan offers, if not, I wouldn’t even be here.
Anyway, arki. Honestly, up until now, I’m not decided with my course. Whenever I hear my prof saying all this inspiring stuff and showing us good works of other people, I suddenly feel inspired and tell myself I’ll pursue this course. I think like, “woah, someday I want to make something like this”. I get the feeling that I want other people to get their spirits lifted up every time they see a building that I made, just like the way I feel when I see other people’s work. So I start working and end up disappointing myself. I always find it hard to come up with ideas and concepts, which are actually pretty essential in architecture. Then that feeling of giving up comes back. The feeling that you have no future in what you’re doing, that feeling of being uninspired and you just want to stop to save yourself from embarrassment. I enjoy my other subjects, the drafting and drawing classes, but when it comes to the actual designing of buildings? Nah. I just don’t see myself in the future holding a Graphics Standards Book and drawing all these floor plans and elevations. I don’t know how I’ll be able to manage that. Yeah, I study in UST, a good architecture school which created many famous local architects of today, but so what? There’s no point if you’re not hungry to learn. I want to learn, but there’s this part of me that remains confused and somehow uninterested.
Why not just shift? Yeah, I’ve been thinking of that. But where? CFAD? Advertising arts was actually my other choice, but I found it too broad and I didn’t think I could manage it. Until now actually, I don’t think I can manage it. The work I do is equivalent to my blockmate’s doodles. What if I went to CFAD? My work might actually become their trash. It’s still an option though. Advertising arts or Industrial Design, I’ll see which course weighs more. I just want to actually enjoy what I’m doing. I don’t want to just sit there and stare at my tracing papers all clueless and stuff. My other blockmates are like that too, but they actually come up with something. They actually come up with ideas that could work. While i’m just there trying to fill my paper for the sake of passing something. It’s not that fun being in a room of people who are all decided with architecture, while you aren’t. Well, at least most of them are. I love my blockmates and I’m happy they’re my blockmates. They’re a bunch of gayass people, but they’re still the best.
Ugh, I’m still undecided. I’m hoping that in the long run, I’ll develop and actually be proud of myself. Seeing myself as an architect in the future is plain awesome. I just have no idea how I’m gonna make it there. As long as I can manage, I’m sticking with my course. As much as possible, I don’t want to waste what I already have. I’m trying to cross “giving up” in my options. That’s just my escape plan. I will only give up if I fail and have no option. Crap.
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